When I first heard that the starting destination for my gap year was Denver I was slightly disappointed. Denver is only about an hour from where I live and even less than that from boulder where I have family. I have been to Denver my fair share of times over the years so I was concerned that the experience might not be as meaningful as it was to others who were coming in out of state. It didn't take long for me to realize that I really had never looked at Denver in the way I now do. To me Denver was the capital, it was home to elitches, the aquarium, and mile high stadium. I never ventured into the city to see the homeless wandering the streets or the ghetto neighborhoods. I think for me Denver has been broken up in two parts. The first part was experiencing the city, having fun, and getting integrated into city life. After a while though the excitement of a new place wore off and was replaced by a haunting familiarity. When I walk down the 16th street mall I stand in the place where my family and I spent new years. I walk by elitches where I have taken several school trips. I look out past the city and see the mountains I have looked at for the past 19 years. As I walk down colefax at night or go down to the mall I see kids who look like I did only several months ago. Sagged pants, drugs, alcohol, all just a mask they are putting on but one that I wore myself the past 4 years of my life. I find myself dwelling on old memories and experiences of my past. I find myself wishing that I could take it all back, take back the crappy decisions I made and the pain I caused myself and others. I remember back to my senior year when I had graduated and all was said and done. I remember never saying goodbye to anyone. The memories of me that were left with my friends were ones where depression had taken a deep hold of me and I had completely fallen apart. The last couple weeks has been a struggle for me. I struggle to forgive myself for the things I did. I feel as if those 4 years of pain defined me in some way. When I think of myself I think of my struggle and the person I was not the person I am. I long for the days when I was just a super nice caring kid who wore whatever he wanted. No ink, no scars on his ears to remind him of a different life, a body free of drugs and alcohol. I guess the hardest part for me is knowing that no matter what I do I will never be that person again. After the joy of Denver had worn off I felt very discouraged at first. Everyone else seems so in love with it and they are experiencing some amazing and hard things. I started to think that maybe Denver wasn't going to be a place of growth for me but then it hit me. We don't grow in the same way. As old memories, old feelings, and regret started to drag me down I wondered why. Why is this happening? Aren't I over this? That is when I realized I really am not. I don't forgive myself for the past. In that statement it made me realize that this is what Denver is about for me. Denver is about my journey to find forgiveness for myself. I am surrounded by people who have fallen farther than I have, it has cost them more than it cost me as well. Addiction, murder, abuse, has taken these peoples homes, it has robbed them of every relationship yet in finding God they have found forgiveness. It is not something that will come in a day, a week, maybe more than that but I feel I have found a direction once again. I feel that I have found the path again, a path to healing and redemption. I have talked about my past and the poor choices I made, I have talked about the person I used to be and what that entailed but not about what happened after. There was a point when my eyes were opened and I saw the trail of destruction behind me. I saw how the pain I had caused the ones I loved and the relationships I had lost. I saw the pain I had caused myself. Four years caught up to me in one day. It broke my heart. It shattered every good view of myself I had to hold onto. I have spent the last year grieving. I have spent the last year so ashamed of myself and with a heavy heart. Depression slowly took hold of me and dragged me down into a very lonely sad place. I spent so much time hating myself for what I did that I forgot to look at the changes that have been made. I graduated high school right? I have been sober for a long time now, my pants are where they should be and I took one of the biggest risks by joining this gap year. Relationships have been restored between me and the ones I love. I have chosen to live a healthier life leaving a lot of old habits behind.
I think one of the most amazing gifts God has ever given me happened when I was in Guatemala. This was still during a time where I was struggling a lot. There was this little girl at the orphanage named Nayeli Soto. This girl had an attitude. She was VERY picky of who held her and who even talked to her. For the time I was there she never really played with anyone. Except me. We took a trip to the mall with all the kids and we were each assigned to take care of a child. I got assigned with Nayeli. The moment she saw me she smiled. She was the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen in my life. She had the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen and her smile and laugh were beautiful beyond description. The bus ride there was not short by any measure and I am pretty sure that she and I laughed and played the whole time. As I look back at the time we spent together, how I made here laugh how she held my hand, and how she loved to play with me I realized something. She picked me. I was a complete wreck at that time in my life and she chose me. She saw me for something else. She saw me for the safe kind person I truly was. She looked at me with those big brown eyes with only love and joy. I think this is a perfect example of how God looks at us. I think it is the perfect example of how even in the most painful times of our lives when everything seems to be falling apart, God sends us messages to remind us of who we are. It was a beautiful reminder of who I am and as I wrestle with the pain of the pass it is a memory that brings joy to my heart. We can't be perfect but we can make the hard choice to deal with our imperfections and find redemption, wisdom, and acceptance. Denver has been full of old memories, a painful reminder of what I once was. I sure didn't think that the biggest thing I would wrestle with was finding forgiveness for myself but it makes sense to me. I have learned that I like to say "I am okay" and that "i'm over it" because sometimes I don't want to deal with the fact that i'm not because it means more work or dealing with painful memories. We have a loving God who won't let it fly that easy. He gently pushes us back towards our pain so that we can deal with it. Constant reminders make us have to deal with it. I can't just spend the last couple weeks in Denver feeling sad and down on myself for the past. If I did it would rob me of some great experiences to come! For me Denver is a time of healing and a place to find forgiveness for myself.
