Lets light up the dark

So far Denver has been a great experience. I have been blessed to be a part of a great group of people and to work in a city that is an hour and a half from my house and in my own state. Above all the highlight of my experience so far has been my internship. Who would of thought that I would be tutoring kids? My academic record isn't a disaster but it isn't anything to brag about, yet here I am teaching kids from 2nd to 5th grade how to read, write, and do math. It's tough being a teacher. All of my previous interactions with kids have involved lots of play, laughter, and in general just being a friend to them. I can't quite do that in a classroom setting. I find myself reprimanding kids almost every second "jose stop leaning back in your chair" or "if you do that one more time you're going to the office". I hardly ever yell or have any experience with discipline but when you have a class full of energy filled 2nd and 3rd graders you better learn quick or nothing will ever be accomplished. I have a new respect for parents and teachers. Never before had it crossed my mind that maybe something like teaching would really fit me. It's on my mind all the time now, it's hard and frustrating at times but also very rewarding. The kids love me and I love them so it works out pretty well in the end. I am very blessed to be a part of that school. As far as I can tell everyone has fallen in love with their internships and it's really cool to see. Yes we all come home exhausted and maybe even irritated but I think at the end of the day we all go to bed with smiles on our faces.

Mondays and fridays are dedicated to classes. The classes aren't like your typical class though. We have the opportunity to walk the city and learn about its history as well as see the darkness and pain. In other classes we get the chance to learn about ourselves and where we fit in. Most recently we had a day where we were tasked with standing on a street corner and holding a sign that said "anything helps". It wasn't real, we weren't poor by any measure, yet as you stood there you felt something. I felt shame. I could understand that in order to stand on a street corner and beg for food you have to hit rock bottom. No one looked at you as they passed by. They might give a quick glance if they though you were looking away but the moment you turned around their eyes shifted directly ahead. In fact some people tried so hard to stare ahead it was ridiculous. We didn't even look homeless and they wouldn't look. It was a glimpse into a very sad world. The next hard thing we did was take a trip into some of the drainage tunnels under the city. The tunnels are littered with condoms, trash, bottles, and needles. It's so dark. It is home to the broken, to the fallen, to the misfits of society. It hurts to be in there because you suddenly realize that the light has gone and there is nothing but you and a hit of heroin or a bottle of alcohol to kill the pain. People go there to hide and drown themselves in darkness. You don't have to be poor or rich or anything for that matter to feel broken. You don't have to be homeless to feel like you don't matter and that your life has no purpose. That is the sad part. I remember back to my senior year when the depression had sunk deep. I felt so much pain, grief, loss, and hopelessness that the highlight of my week was to drink. I didn't go outside to drink, I didn't drink with friends, I waited until it was midnight and I would close my room door, shut off the lights, and drown myself in a bottle. When I went into that tunnel it reminded me of my own room late at night. It reminded me of what it's like to feel great pain and your only companion is whatever you hold in your hand to kill that pain. These people don't need a handout they need a companion. They need to be loved and told that they are anything but worthless. It was a hard day for sure. I still haven't wrapped my head around it. Denver is painful for everyone. There have been tears and quiet nights and it isn't over yet. There has been anger and conflict and it isn't over. It is going to be a life changing year for sure. Every bit of hurt and pain has brought us all here. This year we get to share our pain and others. We each have a story, we are who we are for a reason and God has given us the amazing opportunity to dig deep and find our place in his plan. I can feel the emotion building up in me. I haven't seen anything yet that has brought me to my knees in tears and in a way it bothers me seeing as I am pretty sensitive. God works in amazing ways and all I can do is keep praying that every day he opens my eyes to a new world, and opens my heart in order for him to change me.
Denver has been a roller coaster so far and it's a lot for me to take in. I feel as though I am so overloaded with emotion that I can't even feel anything right now. Nevertheless there have been a lot of fun memories. We have gone to movies, walked around Denver laughing and spent way too much money. One of the funniest things we did happened early on. We took a refrigerator box and with Dans help turned it into a robot costume. If that wasn't awesome enough we had the great idea of letting Dan wear it while we walked down colefax to the gas station. Surprisingly enough we didn't get shot but we sure got a lot of laughs. Right as we were walking up to the gas station Dan hit a curb and completely, full on face planted. Logan and I were laughing so hard we forgot to see if he was okay. Fortunate for us a firetruck saw the whole thing happen. They immediately turned on their lights and sirens and drove over to dan. Four guys leaned out laughing uncontrollably and asked if dan was okay. Sometimes I forget that I am still in my own state. Sometimes I forget that I have family in Boulder and the springs. I think the fact that I feel like I am in a different place really allows me to be free. Nevertheless I probably will see my friends at least once before thanksgiving. We are now at the first month mark. We have less than two months left here. It is going fast and I think that everything we learn and experience here will help us prepare for the next phase of our journey. It feels like I go through every emotion each day, but to feel is to be alive. 

Fitting in

I was born in Guatemala. I was adopted when I was only a couple months old and Woodland Park Colorado Has been my home for 18 years. I grew up in a upper middle class white family. My brother was also adopted from Guatemala. Being adopted from a poverty stricken country is a blessing but the pain it brings is undeniable. You don't understand when you are younger. In fact I don't ever remember my parents telling me that I was adopted, it was just a simple fact that I carried all my life. People always asked if it bothered me or what it was like and I always told them that it didn't have any effect. As I got older it started to bother me more and more. Who am I? All my friends began to have features of their parents. I saw other kids of my color with parents who looked just like them. Several summers ago we took a trip down to Guatemala for about a week. I remember going to a church service where they brought all these Guatemalan families up on the stage with their new babies and prayed for them. It was one of the most painful experiences I have ever had in my life. I love my parents with all my heart. I wouldn't choose anyone else. A majority of my friends and acquaintances in high school were people who were poor or involved in a lot of drugs and drinking. I felt comfortable around those people. I felt comfortable at ghetto parties and in the bad parts of the springs. I felt as if that was my place and being of a latino ethnicity that is where society told me I belonged. I wore clothes that other latinos wore. I pierced my ears, sagged my pants, wore baggy shirts and backwards hats. Having dark skin changes your view of the world. I remember there was a rumor around school that I had shot someone not because my personality gave of that vibe but it was because I was "mexican' and the way I dressed. Kids were always asking me to throw up gang signs and to go to parties with me. Other people of my color were always "cool" with me and thought of me as family. If I walked down a bad neighborhood no one ever questioned me. I fit right into that world mostly because of my color. I felt at home for a while. My brother and I both. Yet that was not who I was. Reality started to set in. The drinking increased, there was tension between groups, fights over girls, guns came into the picture, my brother was jumped, and I realized the harshness and violence of the world I had been drawn into. I wasn't born in the hood and I certainly wasn't poor but the color of my skin gave me easy access to a whole different part of society. I want to share this with you because I feel it plays a huge part in my life. I feel that these experiences give me insight and a more rounded view of things. Denver is full of the same exact culture just more prevalent. Walking down colefax street is an adventure in its self. There are homeless everywhere and you will be asked for drugs, sex, and alcohol almost every block. The night is filled with sounds of sirens, booming music, drunken laughter, and the occasional fights. A lot of these people have extremely hard stories. They have been abused and beaten down and it is not enough to give them handouts and support. They need a friends, someone who knows what pain is. They need someone who shares some of the same experiences.

Growing up

One day you are in elementary and middle school playing with legos, watching kid movies, waking up early to watch cartoons, and thinking the toy isle of the Walmart is all you need. The next day you are in high school where all that matters is appearance, clothes, girls, and instead of hanging out with friends playing outside or letting your imagination run wild you find yourself at some party in a run down apartment or in your bed wondering what you did last night. I think it is important to keep in mind that even when you are struggling and it feels like you are going to be stuck there forever, at some point it will pass, even the good times you had where everything seemed to be perfect will pass.  Several months ago the world seemed as if it was crashing down on me. As I began my senior year the previous years of high school had began to wear me down. The draw of popularity and having "cool friends", girlfriends and acceptance had already put a lot of pressure on me. I craved to feel loved and accepted. Sadly my view of myself and of others had been twisted by hurtful words and painful experiences that I could not see that what I had was beautiful. I have a family that will drop anything they are doing to help and will take any amount of time to make my birthday special or to make me feel loved. My senior year I fell very far and very fast to a place of shame and regret. I didn't talk, I alienated myself from others as a punishment for all the wrong I had done and all the hurt I had caused the people around me. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I didn't mean to ruin relationships. I was misguided and desperate to fill the emptiness inside of me, although that was no justification for the things I did or put my family through. I didn't think I was going to graduate and I wondered if all this weight and pain would ever be lifted. In May I graduated leaving high school behind. As I write this I am sitting in an almost empty auditorium in Durango Colorado. I feel more myself than I have felt in a long time. I feel more purpose than I have ever and taking a gap year like I am feels right. In fact in my heart I know it is right. We are in the first of 2 separate orientation weeks that cover the information for the next 8 months. I am part of a program called Kivu and over the course of 8 months I will be living in Denver for 4 months interning at a school with elementary school kids, and in the last four months will be in haiti, Rwanda, Jordan, and the Philippines. I share this with you to give you a taste of where I came from and that every bit of hardship and painful experience has moved me in the direction I am going. I have so much hope for the future. I have enormous hope for this year alone. I have to thank my friends and family for all of their support. I am so excited to be a part of such a wonderful team. I am excited for my internship and to get to know and love the people in Denver. There is so much brokenness and hurt in this world yet there is beauty and redemption in all of it. This year I get the opportunity to experience it all. I get the chance to come alongside the homeless, destitute and those from other cultures and be with them not as someone who is there to change them but as there friend and as their equal. We are no different than anyone else and this year I get to share my heart with many diverse people. Here is to an amazing year full of great people and life changing experiences. I have faith that God will use me in the way he intended me for and that is one of the most exciting adventures of all.

The whole team