Moving forward

I never thought my year would turn out the way it is. I never thought that I would be on such an amazing journey with such amazing people. Denver gave me a whole new view on myself and a confidence unlike anything I have had before. Saying goodbye to the kids was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. As much as my heart aches in some ways I know that the experiences that will come will be just as amazing and that each place I will have an impact. I believe that one day I will see the benefit of my work. It is hard to believe things are going this well. It seems as if everything has come full circle and I am experiencing the benefits of the wisdom and experience the hard times gave me. Being home has been great yet after a week here I am ready to go back. I'm changing. The way I feel and what I believe is changing. As a result my view of home and friends and family is changing as well. I remember why I left in the first place. As much as I love my home I find an empty feeling here. There are many painful memories and relationships that will never be the same. Nevertheless I love my home and it will always be that way whether or not I feel the same about it. It's probably supposed to be that way. In a way I think that the last couple of weeks in Denver were hindered by the idea of going home but after being home and realizing it wouldn't be healthy for me to stay I know can go forward without feeling like I am missing out. I fly out to haiti tomorrow. I will be there for two weeks doing mission work. It will be a good introduction for those who haven't been out of country before and I am super excited to finally be moving into the next phase of our journey. Hopefully I will be able to share more details about this trip than our experience in Denver. I didn't have one picture I could show. There are a lot of things I wish I could say and a lot of things I have dealt with that have helped me come to conclusions about myself and my faith that will forever impact my life but for me it takes time to think through things, how to say them and how to express them. I will continue to blog as often as I can and hopefully more often that I did in Denver. I will be back from haiti in two weeks with more awesome experiences and hopefully a couple more pictures.

See My Tears

When I first heard that the starting destination for my gap year was Denver I was slightly disappointed. Denver is only about an hour from where I live and even less than that from boulder where I have family. I have been to Denver my fair share of times over the years so I was concerned that the experience might not be as meaningful as it was to others who were coming in out of state. It didn't take long for me to realize that I really had never looked at Denver in the way I now do. To me Denver was the capital, it was home to elitches, the aquarium, and mile high stadium. I never ventured into the city to see the homeless wandering the streets or the ghetto neighborhoods. I think for me Denver has been broken up in two parts. The first part was experiencing the city, having fun, and getting integrated into city life. After a while though the excitement of a new place wore off and was replaced by a haunting familiarity. When I walk down the 16th street mall I stand in the place where my family and I spent new years. I walk by elitches where I have taken several school trips. I look out past the city and see the mountains I have looked at for the past 19 years. As I walk down colefax at night or go down to the mall I see kids who look like I did only several months ago. Sagged pants, drugs, alcohol, all just a mask they are putting on but one that I wore myself the past 4 years of my life. I find myself dwelling on old memories and experiences of my past. I find myself wishing that I could take it all back, take back the crappy decisions I made and the pain I caused myself and others. I remember back to my senior year when I had graduated and all was said and done. I remember never saying goodbye to anyone. The memories of me that were left with my friends were ones where depression had taken a deep hold of me and I had completely fallen apart. The last couple weeks has been a struggle for me. I struggle to forgive myself for the things I did. I feel as if those 4 years of pain defined me in some way. When I think of myself I think of my struggle and the person I was not the person I am. I long for the days when I was just a super nice caring kid who wore whatever he wanted. No ink, no scars on his ears to remind him of a different life, a body free of drugs and alcohol. I guess the hardest part for me is knowing that no matter what I do I will never be that person again. After the joy of Denver had worn off I felt very discouraged at first. Everyone else seems so in love with it and they are experiencing some amazing and hard things. I started to think that maybe Denver wasn't going to be a place of growth for me but then it hit me. We don't grow in the same way. As old memories, old feelings, and regret started to drag me down I wondered why. Why is this happening? Aren't I over this? That is when I realized I really am not. I don't forgive myself for the past. In that statement it made me realize that this is what Denver is about for me. Denver is about my journey to find forgiveness for myself. I am surrounded by people who have fallen farther than I have, it has cost them more than it cost me as well. Addiction, murder, abuse, has taken these peoples homes, it has robbed them of every relationship yet in finding God they have found forgiveness. It is not something that will come in a day, a week, maybe more than that but I feel I have found a direction once again. I feel that I have found the path again, a path to healing and redemption. I have talked about my past and the poor choices I made, I have talked about the person I used to be and what that entailed but not about what happened after. There was a point when my eyes were opened and I saw the trail of destruction behind me. I saw how the pain I had caused the ones I loved and the relationships I had lost. I saw the pain I had caused myself. Four years caught up to me in one day. It broke my heart. It shattered every good view of myself I had to hold onto. I have spent the last year grieving. I have spent the last year so ashamed of myself and with a heavy heart. Depression slowly took hold of me and dragged me down into a very lonely sad place. I spent so much time hating myself for what I did that I forgot to look at the changes that have been made. I graduated high school right? I have been sober for a long time now, my pants are where they should be and I took one of the biggest risks by joining this gap year. Relationships have been restored between me and the ones I love. I have chosen to live a healthier life leaving a lot of old habits behind.
I think one of the most amazing gifts God has ever given me happened when I was in Guatemala. This was still during a time where I was struggling a lot. There was this little girl at the orphanage named Nayeli Soto. This girl had an attitude. She was VERY picky of who held her and who even talked to her. For the time I was there she never really played with anyone. Except me. We took a trip to the mall with all the kids and we were each assigned to take care of a child. I got assigned with Nayeli. The moment she saw me she smiled. She was the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen in my life. She had the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen and her smile and laugh were beautiful beyond description.  The bus ride there was not short by any measure and I am pretty sure that she and I laughed and played the whole time. As I look back at the time we spent together, how I made here laugh how she held my hand, and how she loved to play with me I realized something. She picked me. I was a complete wreck at that time in my life and she chose me. She saw me for something else. She saw me for the safe kind person I truly was. She looked at me with those big brown eyes with only love and joy. I think this is a perfect example of how God looks at us. I think it is the perfect example of how even in the most painful times of our lives when everything seems to be falling apart, God sends us messages to remind us of who we are. It was a beautiful reminder of who I am and as I wrestle with the pain of the pass it is a memory that brings joy to my heart. We can't be perfect but we can make the hard choice to deal with our imperfections and find redemption, wisdom, and acceptance. Denver has been full of old memories, a painful reminder of what I once was. I sure didn't think that the biggest thing I would wrestle with was finding forgiveness for myself but it makes sense to me. I have learned that I like to say "I am okay" and that "i'm over it" because sometimes I don't want to deal with the fact that i'm not because it means more work or dealing with painful memories. We have a loving God who won't let it fly that easy. He gently pushes us back towards our pain so that we can deal with it. Constant reminders make us have to deal with it. I can't just spend the last couple weeks in Denver feeling sad and down on myself for the past. If I did it would rob me of some great experiences to come! For me Denver is a time of healing and a place to find forgiveness for myself.

Lets light up the dark

So far Denver has been a great experience. I have been blessed to be a part of a great group of people and to work in a city that is an hour and a half from my house and in my own state. Above all the highlight of my experience so far has been my internship. Who would of thought that I would be tutoring kids? My academic record isn't a disaster but it isn't anything to brag about, yet here I am teaching kids from 2nd to 5th grade how to read, write, and do math. It's tough being a teacher. All of my previous interactions with kids have involved lots of play, laughter, and in general just being a friend to them. I can't quite do that in a classroom setting. I find myself reprimanding kids almost every second "jose stop leaning back in your chair" or "if you do that one more time you're going to the office". I hardly ever yell or have any experience with discipline but when you have a class full of energy filled 2nd and 3rd graders you better learn quick or nothing will ever be accomplished. I have a new respect for parents and teachers. Never before had it crossed my mind that maybe something like teaching would really fit me. It's on my mind all the time now, it's hard and frustrating at times but also very rewarding. The kids love me and I love them so it works out pretty well in the end. I am very blessed to be a part of that school. As far as I can tell everyone has fallen in love with their internships and it's really cool to see. Yes we all come home exhausted and maybe even irritated but I think at the end of the day we all go to bed with smiles on our faces.

Mondays and fridays are dedicated to classes. The classes aren't like your typical class though. We have the opportunity to walk the city and learn about its history as well as see the darkness and pain. In other classes we get the chance to learn about ourselves and where we fit in. Most recently we had a day where we were tasked with standing on a street corner and holding a sign that said "anything helps". It wasn't real, we weren't poor by any measure, yet as you stood there you felt something. I felt shame. I could understand that in order to stand on a street corner and beg for food you have to hit rock bottom. No one looked at you as they passed by. They might give a quick glance if they though you were looking away but the moment you turned around their eyes shifted directly ahead. In fact some people tried so hard to stare ahead it was ridiculous. We didn't even look homeless and they wouldn't look. It was a glimpse into a very sad world. The next hard thing we did was take a trip into some of the drainage tunnels under the city. The tunnels are littered with condoms, trash, bottles, and needles. It's so dark. It is home to the broken, to the fallen, to the misfits of society. It hurts to be in there because you suddenly realize that the light has gone and there is nothing but you and a hit of heroin or a bottle of alcohol to kill the pain. People go there to hide and drown themselves in darkness. You don't have to be poor or rich or anything for that matter to feel broken. You don't have to be homeless to feel like you don't matter and that your life has no purpose. That is the sad part. I remember back to my senior year when the depression had sunk deep. I felt so much pain, grief, loss, and hopelessness that the highlight of my week was to drink. I didn't go outside to drink, I didn't drink with friends, I waited until it was midnight and I would close my room door, shut off the lights, and drown myself in a bottle. When I went into that tunnel it reminded me of my own room late at night. It reminded me of what it's like to feel great pain and your only companion is whatever you hold in your hand to kill that pain. These people don't need a handout they need a companion. They need to be loved and told that they are anything but worthless. It was a hard day for sure. I still haven't wrapped my head around it. Denver is painful for everyone. There have been tears and quiet nights and it isn't over yet. There has been anger and conflict and it isn't over. It is going to be a life changing year for sure. Every bit of hurt and pain has brought us all here. This year we get to share our pain and others. We each have a story, we are who we are for a reason and God has given us the amazing opportunity to dig deep and find our place in his plan. I can feel the emotion building up in me. I haven't seen anything yet that has brought me to my knees in tears and in a way it bothers me seeing as I am pretty sensitive. God works in amazing ways and all I can do is keep praying that every day he opens my eyes to a new world, and opens my heart in order for him to change me.
Denver has been a roller coaster so far and it's a lot for me to take in. I feel as though I am so overloaded with emotion that I can't even feel anything right now. Nevertheless there have been a lot of fun memories. We have gone to movies, walked around Denver laughing and spent way too much money. One of the funniest things we did happened early on. We took a refrigerator box and with Dans help turned it into a robot costume. If that wasn't awesome enough we had the great idea of letting Dan wear it while we walked down colefax to the gas station. Surprisingly enough we didn't get shot but we sure got a lot of laughs. Right as we were walking up to the gas station Dan hit a curb and completely, full on face planted. Logan and I were laughing so hard we forgot to see if he was okay. Fortunate for us a firetruck saw the whole thing happen. They immediately turned on their lights and sirens and drove over to dan. Four guys leaned out laughing uncontrollably and asked if dan was okay. Sometimes I forget that I am still in my own state. Sometimes I forget that I have family in Boulder and the springs. I think the fact that I feel like I am in a different place really allows me to be free. Nevertheless I probably will see my friends at least once before thanksgiving. We are now at the first month mark. We have less than two months left here. It is going fast and I think that everything we learn and experience here will help us prepare for the next phase of our journey. It feels like I go through every emotion each day, but to feel is to be alive. 

Fitting in

I was born in Guatemala. I was adopted when I was only a couple months old and Woodland Park Colorado Has been my home for 18 years. I grew up in a upper middle class white family. My brother was also adopted from Guatemala. Being adopted from a poverty stricken country is a blessing but the pain it brings is undeniable. You don't understand when you are younger. In fact I don't ever remember my parents telling me that I was adopted, it was just a simple fact that I carried all my life. People always asked if it bothered me or what it was like and I always told them that it didn't have any effect. As I got older it started to bother me more and more. Who am I? All my friends began to have features of their parents. I saw other kids of my color with parents who looked just like them. Several summers ago we took a trip down to Guatemala for about a week. I remember going to a church service where they brought all these Guatemalan families up on the stage with their new babies and prayed for them. It was one of the most painful experiences I have ever had in my life. I love my parents with all my heart. I wouldn't choose anyone else. A majority of my friends and acquaintances in high school were people who were poor or involved in a lot of drugs and drinking. I felt comfortable around those people. I felt comfortable at ghetto parties and in the bad parts of the springs. I felt as if that was my place and being of a latino ethnicity that is where society told me I belonged. I wore clothes that other latinos wore. I pierced my ears, sagged my pants, wore baggy shirts and backwards hats. Having dark skin changes your view of the world. I remember there was a rumor around school that I had shot someone not because my personality gave of that vibe but it was because I was "mexican' and the way I dressed. Kids were always asking me to throw up gang signs and to go to parties with me. Other people of my color were always "cool" with me and thought of me as family. If I walked down a bad neighborhood no one ever questioned me. I fit right into that world mostly because of my color. I felt at home for a while. My brother and I both. Yet that was not who I was. Reality started to set in. The drinking increased, there was tension between groups, fights over girls, guns came into the picture, my brother was jumped, and I realized the harshness and violence of the world I had been drawn into. I wasn't born in the hood and I certainly wasn't poor but the color of my skin gave me easy access to a whole different part of society. I want to share this with you because I feel it plays a huge part in my life. I feel that these experiences give me insight and a more rounded view of things. Denver is full of the same exact culture just more prevalent. Walking down colefax street is an adventure in its self. There are homeless everywhere and you will be asked for drugs, sex, and alcohol almost every block. The night is filled with sounds of sirens, booming music, drunken laughter, and the occasional fights. A lot of these people have extremely hard stories. They have been abused and beaten down and it is not enough to give them handouts and support. They need a friends, someone who knows what pain is. They need someone who shares some of the same experiences.

Growing up

One day you are in elementary and middle school playing with legos, watching kid movies, waking up early to watch cartoons, and thinking the toy isle of the Walmart is all you need. The next day you are in high school where all that matters is appearance, clothes, girls, and instead of hanging out with friends playing outside or letting your imagination run wild you find yourself at some party in a run down apartment or in your bed wondering what you did last night. I think it is important to keep in mind that even when you are struggling and it feels like you are going to be stuck there forever, at some point it will pass, even the good times you had where everything seemed to be perfect will pass.  Several months ago the world seemed as if it was crashing down on me. As I began my senior year the previous years of high school had began to wear me down. The draw of popularity and having "cool friends", girlfriends and acceptance had already put a lot of pressure on me. I craved to feel loved and accepted. Sadly my view of myself and of others had been twisted by hurtful words and painful experiences that I could not see that what I had was beautiful. I have a family that will drop anything they are doing to help and will take any amount of time to make my birthday special or to make me feel loved. My senior year I fell very far and very fast to a place of shame and regret. I didn't talk, I alienated myself from others as a punishment for all the wrong I had done and all the hurt I had caused the people around me. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I didn't mean to ruin relationships. I was misguided and desperate to fill the emptiness inside of me, although that was no justification for the things I did or put my family through. I didn't think I was going to graduate and I wondered if all this weight and pain would ever be lifted. In May I graduated leaving high school behind. As I write this I am sitting in an almost empty auditorium in Durango Colorado. I feel more myself than I have felt in a long time. I feel more purpose than I have ever and taking a gap year like I am feels right. In fact in my heart I know it is right. We are in the first of 2 separate orientation weeks that cover the information for the next 8 months. I am part of a program called Kivu and over the course of 8 months I will be living in Denver for 4 months interning at a school with elementary school kids, and in the last four months will be in haiti, Rwanda, Jordan, and the Philippines. I share this with you to give you a taste of where I came from and that every bit of hardship and painful experience has moved me in the direction I am going. I have so much hope for the future. I have enormous hope for this year alone. I have to thank my friends and family for all of their support. I am so excited to be a part of such a wonderful team. I am excited for my internship and to get to know and love the people in Denver. There is so much brokenness and hurt in this world yet there is beauty and redemption in all of it. This year I get the opportunity to experience it all. I get the chance to come alongside the homeless, destitute and those from other cultures and be with them not as someone who is there to change them but as there friend and as their equal. We are no different than anyone else and this year I get to share my heart with many diverse people. Here is to an amazing year full of great people and life changing experiences. I have faith that God will use me in the way he intended me for and that is one of the most exciting adventures of all.

The whole team